I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
