it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
