Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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