it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
