You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
