The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
