If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
