Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My cat gives me a boner
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
