we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
