Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
