I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
