I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
