You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
