If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
