I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
