The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
