just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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