theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
