How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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