Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
