I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
