I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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