The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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