you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
