i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we made out on top of his cat.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
