____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
