I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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