I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm at about main and main street
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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