dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
