my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
