Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
