So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
