You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
