You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
