I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
