Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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