I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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