rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
please come you make the beer taste better
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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