Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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