Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
