Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
