Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
