meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
