just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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