Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
