Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
