If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
