things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
