I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You're like the curious george of whores
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
