Moan for me like Helen Keller
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I will pee on everything he values.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
