she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
