At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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